just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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