i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
