im drinking this country out of the recession.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
