That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
