why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I still have a little drunk in my system
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
