4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Never joke about your clitoris.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
