he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
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He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
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Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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