I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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