I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
