last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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