His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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