At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
