I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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