I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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