She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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