why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think i have two assholes
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
