He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
