Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
