How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
