If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Houston, we have a blender
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
