Your mouth is God's brothel.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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