Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
