i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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