please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize