i may or may not be watching the land before time
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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