i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
