I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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