It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
