remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Couch. On fire.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
