I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
