i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
