Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
