you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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