So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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