He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
