I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
