Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
