I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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