I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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