he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
