Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
sarcasm needs its own font
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
