Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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