there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
