John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
