and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
