Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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