i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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