Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
