Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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