I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
