I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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