Where is the hickey?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
