Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
